The Best Toys for Storming Area 51 – An Ill-Advised Gift List*
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*By ill-advised, we really mean please don’t storm any military bases. We can’t advise against it enough. Buy toys instead.
Over a million Americans have signed up to storm Area 51 in September because they want to “see them aliens”. While we strongly advise against it, we’ve put together a list of items that might help these stalwart souls make it past the heavily armed, trained military guards. Why? Because America, that’s why**.
**This blog intended to be satire. We repeat: please don’t storm a military base. These toys are lots of fun, but they will not help you against military guards or aliens:
First, crack open this helpful guide to understanding extraterrestrial visitors and their intentions. The U.S. government has had this information for some time, and now we are revealing it to you in the hopes it will aid intergalactic communications. This information, disguised in goofy illustration and rhyming stanzas, will be essential when you make your first contact with the little green beings in the government’s basement.
The Naruto run, a cornerstone technique of the Storm Area 51 movement, is a running style attributed to the Japanese anime character Naruto Ozumaki. Learn the proper form—torso forward, arms outstretched behind you—by studying and practicing the work of anime artists. Learn the drawing techniques so mystical and powerful that a simple run is rumored to aid in dodging airborne projectiles fired at high velocities.
Fight fire with fire. Reports from the ground say that the military guards surrounding Area 51 at all times are equipped with advanced night vision equipment. Now you can be too, with these night mission goggles. See up to 25 feet in the dark with the built in twin LED light beams. Now not only can they see you, but you can see them, and that puts you on even ground.
You’ve perfected your Naruto run across the desert, but as you approach the facility, you’ll no doubt need to be able to avoid the various slings and arrows the U.S. military will be flinging at you. Get this training equipment and grab a partner. You’ll need to be quick, light on your toes, and deadly accurate. Learn how to throw, duck, and roll with military precision using this nice, soft, and safe Dodgetag set.
Leaping fences is the name of the game. Get your leg muscles ready with this Musical Hop Skipper. Separate height and speed settings will help to condition your body for the strain of scaling the various gates and fences that no doubt surround key buildings at the Area 51 facility. The fun music will help with your timing, and keep you entertained as well. Hop into galactic history!
Constant communications will be a key to this mission. Gear up properly but don’t weight yourself down with these small, lightweight walkie talkies with a range up to 200 feet. Small enough to fit in a pocket, but with 4 transistors for power, these are probably very similar to what the military guards will be using. And the ability to tap Morse code will come in handy, as we’re pretty sure they don’t teach Morse code in the military anymore, do they?
The guards will be armed, and now so will you be. Distract them with a barrage of fluffy deliciousness with this marshmallow blaster. No one, not even a highly trained military guard, can turn down a delicious marshmallow, especially if you’re using this sleek blaster to propel them at his or her face. One simply does not ignore the soft, sugary sweetness of America’s favorite edible ammo.
You’ve made it this far, inside the facility, and have no doubt found the room where the aliens are kept. Presumably, the U.S. government calls this the Alien Room. Now you’ve got to find some common ground with these beings. Show them the cute little round-headed guy in the light-up spaceship, designed to scale, we’re pretty sure, from government UFO blueprints developed in the 1950s from the Roswell crash. The aliens will think it, and you, are adorable.
You’ve done it. You’ve broken into Area 51, bypassed countless armed guards, and met the aliens the U.S. government keeps hidden there. Now it’s time to have a little fun, and the best way to do that is with this excellent board game all about people who have died in incredibly stupid ways and by doing incredibly stupid things throughout history. It’s up to you and your new friends to decide which are true and which are not. You’ll have a blast!
Congratulations, intrepid space cadet! You did it! Now that you’re inside the top secret government facility, you’ll need to make a plan for when you get out. We’d suggest buying Sticky the Poo to keep you company. This sticky, moldable guy is a lot of fun. As a matter of fact, buy yourself a whole bunch of them, because by the time you get out, you’re going to be up to your neck in it.
***Dear U.S. Military,
We here at Wicked Uncle USA sell toys, and have absolutely no intention of going anywhere near any military bases now or in the future for any reason whatsoever. We do not condone any of our friends, family, or customers raiding Area 51. As a matter of fact, just the thought of running through the desert tires us out.
Please don’t come get us. We come in peace.
Love, Wicked Uncle
Here are some jokes you might like:
Q: How do you get a baby alien to sleep? A: You rocket.
Q: What did the alien say to the measuring cup? A: Take me to your liter.